The Enigma File

When I think wishfully about what I'd like to be, on those days where I'd like to be Audrey Hepburn or a famous writer or French or live in a lighthouse, I like to think of myself as an enigma too. Unfortunately nothing could be further from the truth in many ways. I'm a people pleaser, I like people to like me, but I try to be honest with a hefty dose of kindness. I don't take criticism very well - actually that's not true, I take it very well, straight to my heart and keep it there as a tormenting hot water bottle. I always have a sarcastic quip or a funny comment.

However, I'm an enigma about rules. I work best within them, I'm not a natural rule breaker, in fact I'm a bit of a scaredy cat. However, occasionally I just want to break them. Which is what I'm doing. I set my own rules about the blog, I'd post on certain days and about certain things and then this weekend I thought stuff that for a game of soldiers, I don't want to do that anymore.

So I won't.

Instead it's going to be like a little surprise every time you get here. You won't know if it's going to be misery or fun, celebrating or moaning, interesting or dull. I expect you're quite often disappointed anyway, especially about the interesting.

The one constant thing I will try to do is let you know which blogs I'm really enjoying. There are some truly fantastic ones out there and none of us have a hope of keeping track of all of them and I'd like to think we can share the love a bit, like in the old days. Do you hear that my lovely Lola? Just like the old days.

I do have one serious thing to say though. I'm so touched by all your lovely message of support and kindness on my post about my multiple sclerosis. It makes me incredibly proud that people have stopped to leave a comment who have never been here before, and overwhelmed too that my new "blogfriends" have taken time out to stop by. I hope you'll continue to read, and to laugh and cry along with me.

For now though, I'm off to be a French Audrey Hepburn and go and get some writing done in my lighthouse.

What I've Loved This Week....

... is old friends. Not of the geriatric variety although we're all of an age that's closer to cocoa than cocaine, and we're more likely to be found in a grubby little local than Whisky Mist (or wherever it is that the young beautiful people hang out.) I don't often get the opportunity to see them much any more - we're all busy people with families and hobbies and work getting in the way, so it's fabulous to see them on an ad hoc evening when a few of us are out and we can reminisce and talk nonsense to our heart's content. And we did. There was drinking, chatting, talk of children, drinking, talk of old friends, anniversaries, drinking, boyfriends, work, drinking, Gunga Din, illness, drinking, crap husbands, holidays and the startling revelation that one of us thinks they're the reincarnation of Ruth Ellis.

It's all included in a night out with me. I don't charge extra for the hangover.

Now I'm recovered though, this is what else I've loved this week...

This week I've loved watching 500 Days of Summer. Oh my goodness, there's a proper film. For a starter, the other half liked it and not just because of the eye candy. It has a great soundtrack (ie it has The Smiths in it), it's a bit of an anti love story, although it's a lovely happy ending (ish), and it doesn't star Jennifer Aniston. I've nothing against the woman per se, but you know what? Have a rest love.

This week I've loved messing about with the blog. I've changed the background, I've messed with the wallpaper, I've fiddled with the side bits and I've tried to understand what an RSS feed is. I've had varying degrees of success as you can see, and I'm still not entirely sure what an RSS feed is, but it seems as though they magically happen and I have one. Why, I don't know, and I'm not sure what to do with it either, but I'm very proud of it. Probably I'll lose it or I'll receive a bill for a million pounds but until then, it's one challenge safely ticked off. Next target:- work out what on earth Google Page Rank means and climb Mount Everest wearing just my pyjamas and my fluffy slippers. Not sure which comes first.

This week I've loved blogs. There are so many great ones and I'm coming across new ones all the time, but I still have my old favourites too. I don't mean geriatric in this case either, I mean a very dear blogging friend who I've "known" since my early days - the altogether too talented Crystal Jigsaw. She's not only a great writer (fiction and blogging), a great mum (read about the Tooth Fairy without filling up and you're a tougher woman than me), a very hard working farmer's wife and a great supporter of blogs - she also (if we're very lucky) posts pictures of puppies. Have a mooch through and you'll see what I mean - tell her I sent you. A blog that's relatively new to me is the fabulous Oh Mammy - for the foodies amongst us, there are some lovely recipes and photos (blogging makes me hungry), she'll tell you all about parenting, she'll share her views in a forthright fashion I adore, and she'll give us all a better understanding of autism. Please go and pay her a visit if you aren't already - I'm sure she'll love to see you!

So what have you loved this week?

The One Where I'm a Mum

I think we can all agree that being a parent can be very rewarding. I think we can also agree that parenting is sometimes very difficult. All with me so far? Fantastic. And I think that a lot of people will say that the first couple of years are incredibly taxing, if this is your first baby, you alternate between terrified and horrified and if it's your second or more, you probably alternate between being tired and more tired. I can't comment on that, the whole prospect was scary beyond belief.

Now I'm a mum of a 12 year old, so I can tell you how much easier it is now, how we've got through the worst, and it's all plain sailing from here on in.

I can tell you that, but I think mummy bloggers are supposed to do it with integrity, and there's as much integrity in those statements as there is in the X-Factor.

In the last week before half term, son had a bit of a disagreement with his best friend at senior school. They've been stuck together like glue for the entire first year, although they're both part of a larger group of friends. They socialised out of school, evenings and weekends, phoning each other about homework and suddenly it's all stopped. As the mum of a 12 year old boy, I can tell you it's pretty difficult to get to the bottom of a story, I'll be entirely honest, it's sometimes difficult to get a "hello" if they're playing on a computer game.

This time though son was unusally forthcoming, which gives a little pause for thought. You wonder to yourself if they're telling you a very elaborate story to cover something else up, like detentions, or drug smuggling charges. And of course I only have one half of the story, which I won't bore you with or risk libel charges, save to say it had something to do with a lunchtime football game and goalkeeper gloves.

And my first instinct was to think how could the other boy possibly fall out with my son? He's lovely! People would beg to be his friend! My second instinct was to charge round to the boy's house and demand to know what was going on, and not leave until they'd made friends again. Maybe talk to his parents, get them to make him make friends. Perhaps get something in writing.

Of course, I didn't do that. Not just because it was a fairly cold night and the dinner was in the oven.

Because you have to let them make their own way, more and more, every single day. You have to watch them grow up and grow away, hoping they'll always stay close. And that's the hardest thing of all.

I'd love to tell you the whole parenting malarkey gets easier, but there's only one part of it that does, especially if you've got a boy. They've always, always got their eyes glued to a PS3 game or a film or the laptop.

And it makes it easier to hide your heart when it breaks, just a little.