...and some days there are too many, and said in the wrong way. For all the wrong reasons, my temper is quite legendary, and although it's quick to go, it's quick to arrive and seems to be getting quicker. When I'm in the middle of an argument, I'll use words that I never use in any other situation, some of them aren't even swear words, and I'll speak in an entirely different tone of voice. I honestly think if I listened to a recording of myself mid-rant I wouldn't recognise the pompous, vindictive witch-hag I become.
The trouble is sometimes I lose my way in an argument, I can't remember what I've just said and I get so caught up in the moment that I'm not sure I'm still on the same side any more. If I wasn't so swept away in the heat of a fiery debate, I'd think it might be better to stop and make notes so I can remember where I've got to. Then I sometimes repeat myself, and then I can end up going round in circles, and having to withdraw a bit so I can get my bearings again. Quite often after that I have to do a quick list of the things that are still driving me into a frenzy, so there's the constant repetition of "and another thing", which is invariably accompanied by me banging my finger on the nearest hard object, even if the person I'm arguing with can't actually see me.
All in all, it's not a pretty picture, I'm vindictive, nasty and ruthless in an argument, but as soon as it's over I'm mortified. You know when you have too much to drink, and you get little flashbacks of things you did or said, and you just cringe? I'm like that after an argument. I could walk around in sackcloth and ashes, such is the shame and embarassment, because I've learned, very late in life, that it appears you can't un-say things.
And that's why I'm writing this blog today. I'm the exact opposite of ruthless today, in fact I'm ruthmore. I'm so sorry, I've had to invent a new word.
And I love you.