The Why Factor

I'm a sucker for the X-Factor, I always have been. In fact, much to my partner's disgust, I'm a sucker for quite a lot of reality TV, although to my credit I haven't watched Big Brother for the last 2 series (it's normally the sort of programme for which I'd have had to attend weekly meetings at Rubbishwatchers Anonymous). But I've watched X Factor since it was a little tiny x in Simon Cowell's eye, and I've stuck with it through Jedward and thin.

This season has me baffled though.

I thought I'd seriously seen it all when Louis put through Jedward last year, but then they were young boys and Irish to boot, and so what did you expect? But Cheryl really? May I be so bold to ask what you were thinking?

I know that there's been a huge furore over Gamu not getting through, although that's looking to be a bit of a moot point if she can't actually stay in the country. (I know things may have changed by the time I post this - at the time of writing I hadn't checked the t'interweb for approximately 6 minutes). But the other pair? The blonde one with blobs on her eyelashes or the terrifically thin Cheryl mini-me?

I have to say though, if you forget for a minute it's a singing contest (go on, try - it's not as hard as you might imagine), what this decision has done is give hope to the millions of us in the country who have never auditioned, because we're crap. All we really have to do is give it a bit of oomph at the audition, or alternatively turn up looking like we got dressed in the dark and then forget the words, muddle our way through Boot Camp, preferably just repeating the whole audition business, and then rock up to the judges houses with a bad throat or an emotional breakdown. There you have it, my key to X Factor success.

So you see next year loads more people will audition, because they'll think that it doesn't matter if you can't finish a song or you cry all through it, in fact they're the 2 things which almost guarantee you success. And loads more people will watch because they can't believe what ridiculous decisions the judges make - don't listen to those people who swear they'll never watch it again, they'll be there on Saturday, lapping it up with the rest of us, and trying to vote the no hopers out. All leading to more money from advertising revenue and those pesky phone lines.

Simon Cowell, I see your little game...